Friday, July 25th, 2014

Squealers Introduce New Mascot

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The Pitzburgh Squealers last week unveiled their first official mascot in team history, to an ecstatic response from the team’s artificially inflated fan base.

“Wow, I can’t believe we finally have a mascot,” said long-time black and gold lover Doofus McPierogibreath. “After all these years of convincing myself that a ‘steeler’ was actually some sort of waving rag, I’ll now be able to look down on the field and see what this team really stands for – 5 o’clock shadows and flannel shirts! Woo Hoo!!”

The mascot, named “Steely McBeam,” will be present at all future Heinz Field contests for the Squealers, as well as being available for public events and private parties. The name was chosen via a local contest, with submissions numbering in the tens. When asked why more entries were not received, contest spokesman Tre Rivers replied that, “Although we had hoped for more names to choose from, we realized when we started the contest that most of us Pittsburgers would have trouble with the online submission process. Why, I myself thought up a name that I am confident would have been a hit, but every time I tried to type it in, my keyboard would malfunction due to all the sausage grease on my fingers.”

Rivers conceded, however, that his suggestion would have been no match for the eventual winner.

Reaction from other parts of the country has been a mixture of confusion and sympathy, with many voicing concerns over copyright infringement.

“I guess the mascot itself is fine, although I’m not sure how many trees he is gonna be able to chop down with that oversized paperweight. Shouldn’t somebody get that lumberjack an axe?” said one gentleman on the street when shown a picture of Steely.

“Well, yeah, it’s a good looking grunge rocker, but aren’t they about 15 years late? And why is it named after that show with the dancing baby?” voiced one woman.

Indeed, the mascot moniker brings is sure to remind any coherent individual of the late-90’s hit “Ally McBeal,” starring Calista Flockhart. The people of Steeltown, however, seem blissfully ignorant.

“Ally Mcwho? Nope, never heard of it. Hell, we just got cable out here in the mountains in 2003,” said one resident.

Ally McBeal, of course, was on the FOX network.

McBeam replaces the unofficial mascot of the Steelers, adopted last season, “Road Rash Roethlisberger,” a somewhat cruel character based on the off season antics of Squealers quarterback/stuntman/x-games athlete Ben Roethlisberger.
Roethlisberger’s camp seemed eager for the changing of the guard.

A statement issued by Roethlisbergers publicist had this to say: “As much of an honor as it was to represent this franchise last year, I am fully prepared to hand the torch to Steely.”

Reached for comment prior to his weekly demolition derby race, Roethlisberger, however, sang a different tune.

“Man, this is bull. I went through 75 square inches of skin grafts, 4 months in a tanning bed, and full dental replacement for the people of this town and this is how they repay me? It is my vow that between now and the start of the season I will suffer an off-the-field injury that will dwarf my motorcycle accident and make ‘Rash’ the mascot once again! Just between now and the next preseason game I am going skydiving, mountain climbing, running with the bulls, and cow tipping. Dude, did you steal my Mountain Dew? Extreeeeeme!!”

Comments

2 Responses to “Squealers Introduce New Mascot”
  1. ravens in SB XLIV says:

    Conan O’Brian trashed that unknown thing during NBc’s horrindusly long pregame. I knew i had to comment.

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  1. [...] Do I hate the Steelers’ personnel?  Wow, who don’t I hate?  My hate of all things Baby Ben Roethlisberger, from his big, dumb, meathead personality to his drama queen “I’m soooo hurt, but watch me play anyway” act to football announcers fawning all over him on a first-name basis like he is their own son is the stuff of legend.  Of course there is Hines “Cheap Shot” Ward, who would probably tackle me as I looked at the screen typing this if given the chance, and who is hated pretty much universally throughout the league.  Troy Polamalu, bouncing around like a little sprite, makes my blood boil, especially when people are dumb enough to try to compare him to Ed Reed.  I hate Santonio Holmes for stealing from his grandmother.  I hate Dick LeBeau for not going off to be a head coach somewhere (again).  I hate Mike Tomlin for inheriting a really good team and acting like he has something to do with it.  Former Coach Bill “Spittle” Cowher was always incredibly easy to hate, and if reports surrounding the Cleveland Browns are accurate, we may soon get another chance.  I hated Jerome Bettis (did you know he was from Detroit?). I hated Joey Porter.  I hate them all the way to their stupid, gay mascot. [...]



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