Monday, November 24th, 2014

Chamberlain’s B.O. Declared Unfair Advantage

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New York- Umpires in Friday night’s American League Division Series game between the Cleveland Indians and New York Yankees stopped play in the 7th inning, deciding that Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain’s body odor was giving him an unfair advantage over Indians hitters.

“The Indians hitters were visibly woozy after stepping into the box against him,” said home plate umpire Laz Diaz. “So we decided we had to either eject him, or come up with a way to get rid of that God awful scent.”

“It was bad, real bad,” said Indians designated hitter Travis Hafner. “You know that smell when you leave sweaty clothes in a workout bag for a few weeks at a time? Well, like that, but if somebody took a dump in your nostril as you were sniffing.”

Another problem was that Chamberlain’s stench resulted in a swarm of flies constantly swirling around the pitcher’s body.

“Man, you remember ‘Pigpen’ from the Snoopy cartoons? Thats what that fool looked like, but it was bugs instead of dirt. You ever try to pick up a baseball comin out of a swarm of insects?” asked Tribe center fielder Grady Sizemore.

The umpires decided to spray Chamberlain with industrial strength deodorant to level the playing field.

Robbed of his “performance enhancing bugs”, Chamberlain was no longer the dominant force he has been since joining the Yankees, throwing a wild pitch that allowed Cleveland to tie the game, which they would go on to win.

“Teams around the league should start to take notice for next season,” said Indians skipper Eric Wedge. “Deodorant is Joba’s kryptonite.”

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  1. [...] all I got, man. The Yankees wear thongs. My lowly attempts at satire can’t even begin to compete with that reality. Thanks, Jason Giambi, for rendering [...]



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