Monday, July 28th, 2014

T-Minus 6 Hours Until Mitchell Report (Fake News)

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As the public release of Major League Baseball’s steroid investigation AKA “The Mitchell Report” nears, we thought we would join the party and do some speculating as to what names will be on it….

Mitchell Report names 60 MLB Employees – All in Baltimore Orioles Organization
Baltimore, Md – As expected, Senator George Mitchell’s steroid investigation did indeed reveal the names of close to 60 Major League Baseball employees. What was not expected, however, was that all of those named are employed by the Baltimore Orioles. Players, of course, but also outed were front office members, grounds crew staff, and even a peanut vendor.

The news comes as yet another blow to a team mired in a decade-long streak of losing seasons. The poor play of the team is what drove him to the performance enhancing drugs, said V.P of Baseball Operations Mike Flanagan.

“The fan base always complained about us not making enough strong moves in the off-season to contend. I had hoped, foolishly, that by adding to my physical size, I would both become more aggressive with my signings, as well as appear more intimidating at the negotiation table. Unfortunately, a nasty case of bacne was my only result.”

The O’s grounds crew was also fingered by the report, with all members being found to have used anabolic steriods. When asked to explain the actions of his team, head groundsman Paco Martinez had this to say:

“The storms in the B-More summertime just pop up so quickly – almost as quickly as O’s designated hitters with runners on! We wanted to be able to get the field covered faster, and regretfully, we turned to modern science to help us get the job done.”

Perhaps most surprising of all the names in the report was Oriole Park at Camden Yards peanut vendor Guy Roasted, a fan favorite. Guy claims that throughout the years, his trademark peanut-bag tosses have been getting progressively shorter, and he was only trying to extend his career.

“Ya know, these people come to expect me to hit them right in the hands from 20 rows away. I make most of my tips because people love watchin me chuck those nuts. ‘Further, further, further,’ they’d say. My old arm was just gettin worn out, and I thought I had found the answer.”

It is unknown how the O’s plan to respond to the report, but if we were you, we wouldn’t count on them making like the New England Patriots and setting the league on fire in light of cheating accusations.

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