Sunday, April 20th, 2014

Ravens All Over the Board in Preseason Power Rankings

9

Those geniuses over at ESPN.com released their preseason power rankings this week, and the Ravens generated more disagreement than any other team. While Matt Mosely put the purple and black as high as #13 on his list, some numb nuts named Pat Yasinskis put them at #28. This disparity of 15 between high and low rankings was the highest of any team by a long shot, with Tennessee and St. Louis tying for 2nd most disagreed upon with differences of 12 each.

As long as everybody else gets to give out ridiculous rankings four months before the season starts, why the hell shouldn’t we? Thus, without further delay, here are the B’More Birds’ Nest’s offseason NFL power rankings.

1. Baltimore Ravens – Joe Flacco’s eyebrow(s) can throw the ball through the uprights from the 50 yard line. From their knees.

2. New York Giants – Eli Manning. Still unstoppable.

3. New England Patriots – Cheaters never win. Well, except in 2001, 2003, and 2004. And whenever Tom Brady bones other supermodels while Gisele is in Paris. On second thought, cheaters win.

4. Indianapolis Colts – We wanted to put them lower, but a Peyton Manning led team will always be in the hunt. Unless of course his favorite target, Marvin Harrison, is on the hunt elsewhere – for the ultimate prey.

5. San Diego Chargers

6. Dallas Cowboys – The Cowboys return 20 starters from last years’ NFC regular season champions. Pac Man Jones looks to fill spot 21, and luckily for Wade Phillips, Jones’ probation officer plays a mean fullback.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars – Somewhere, Byron Leftwich cries tears of molasses, and wonders where it all went wrong.

8. Seattle Seahawks – Jaime Moyer: The Lebron James of Philadelphia.

9. Cleveland Browns – Brian Billick still pretty sure Derek Anderson sucks, and Jamal Lewis is out of gas.

10. New Orleans Saints

11. Minnesota Vikings

12. Philadelphia Eagles

13. Tennessee Titans – After enduring the sophomore slump and the Madden Cover Jinx simultaneously, Vince Young ready to start trying to direct passes to his own team again.

14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

15. Buffalo Bills

16. Carolina Panthers

17. Green Bay Packers

18. Arizona Cardinals – They’re only 18, but Matt Leinart can totally get them some booze, girl.

19. Denver Broncos – Jay Cutler needs to be careful not to confuse his insulin vials with the vials of sunshine kept around the facility by Coach Mike ShanaTan.

20. Houston Texans

21. Cincinnati Bengals

22. New York Jets

23. St. Louis Rams

24. San Francisco 49ers

25. Chicago Bears

26. Detroit Lions

27. Miami Dolphins – The Big Tuna’s Big FUPA can only do so much with this mess of a team in year 1.

28. Kansas City Chefs – Yes, I said Chefs. I need a Snickers.

29. Atlanta Falcons – Brian Billick still pretty sure Chris Redman sucks.

30. Oakland Raiders

31. Washington Redskins – Hey, at least since Skins’ fans have a new baseball team to root for, they no longer have to deal with having the worst owner in two different professional sports.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers – Because they suck like Steely McBeam sucks down beers before he has to get behind the wheel. Of this. ZING!


Comments

9 Responses to “Ravens All Over the Board in Preseason Power Rankings”
  1. Rocky Balboa says:

    You heard (read) it here first. Eagles will have a better record than the Ravens. Guaranteed! *guarantee not a guarantee

  2. Larry Bonds says:

    Buffalo Sucks! Their football team even thinks so. Please welcome your 2012 Toronto Bills!

  3. UnbiasedGuy says:

    LOL very unbiased reporting. The word is still out on Flacco—until I see him in a real game, I won’t judge him just yet.

  4. NestMinder says:

    I leave the unbiased-ness up you, homes.

  5. jwills says:

    I don’t undetstand why you have the Ravens at #1. There power ranking should clearly be .5 or #1/2, especially since Ed Reed was recently found to be a cyborg and Harbaugh replaced the Offensive Line with Sherman tanks. Oh, and, Flacco’s eyebrows? Everyone knows guys from Jersey have eyebrow (singular) and I heard that it was closer to 70 yards. Where do you get you information?

  6. jwills says:

    UnbiasedGuy, UnBiasedGal called … she’s left you for Flacco. Judge that.

  7. UnbiasedGuy says:

    It was time for UnBiasedGal to hit the road anyway. She wasn’t getting it done in the household. Her loss hehe

Trackbacks

Check out what others are saying about this post...
  1. [...] http://www.bmorebirdsnest.com/?p=120Jacksonville Jaguars – Somewhere, Byron Leftwich cries tears of molasses, and wonders where it all went wrong. 8. Seattle Seahawks – Jaime Moyer: The Lebron James of Philadelphia. 9. Cleveland Browns – Brian Billick still pretty sure … [...]

  2. vince ready says:

    [...] shock … Is Vince Young ready to become an NFL quarterback? Will his front office ever give him …Ravens All Over the Board in Preseason Power Rankings …13. Tennessee Titans After enduring the sophomore slump and the Madden Cover Jinx simultaneously, [...]



Speak Your Mind

Tell us what you're thinking...
and oh, if you want a pic to show with your comment, go get a gravatar!