Cowboys Set to Trot Out New “Two-Ball” Offense
On the heels of today’s news that they had traded for Detroit wide receiver Roy Williams, the Dallas Cowboys immediately announced that they would be employing a brand new offensive system.
“Roy gives us another explosive weapon on the outside to compliment Terrell Owens. With all that ego…uh, I mean talent, we felt it was prudent to give our whole offensive philosophy an overhaul” said offensive coordinator Jason Garrett.
“That is why we are excited to debut our all-new, never before seen in any level of football, two-ball offense. Roy and Terrell are two guys that demand not only attention from a defense, but also demand the damn ball. With only one pigskin to go around in a traditional offense, we felt that the old way was not the best way to utilize our personnel.”
Garrett said he was inspired by the Miami Dolphins and their newfound success with the “Wildcat” formation, which involves the running back taking a direct snap.
“The whole league has been watching the Dolphins and seeing how defenses are struggling to react to a new system. We think that our idea, in which the quarterback will have even more options, will prove even more productive. For instance, when Tony takes the snap…er, snaps, he can either pass and pass, pass and hand off, run and pass, run and hand off, play fake and hand off….the possibilities are endless.”
Cowboys players expressed mixed reactions.
“Well, Coach promises me that I’ll have more touches now, so I’ll give it a chance. I’d like to see a scenario where Tony tosses me the ball on short crossing pattern, then I turn upfield and run a fly pattern and he hits me downfield. Then I’ll sign both of the balls and give one to Roy. The new Roy. Even with two balls flying around, thats what its gonna take to use T.O. to his full potential. Getcha popcorn ready,” said Owens.
Quarterback Tony Romo was more hesitant. “I have a hard enough time keeping one ball straight, to tell you the truth. I mean, Jessica still only lets me play with one of her boobies at a time. I don’t have to hold 2 for the kicker too, do I?”
Garrett said he and his staff threw around several other ideas, including a WR-direct snap system, a “hot-potato” type scheme where all 11 players on the field try to hold the ball for a short time on every play, and extending the game to 120 minutes.
“In the end, the two-ball system just seemed to be the best fit for what we are going to need to do around here from now on,” said Garrett.
Disclaimer: I’m posting this at 7:42 ET on Tuesday. I haven’t read anything similar to this (yet), but I’m guessing I won’t be the only one to make this joke. So don’t accuse me of stealing somebody else’s idea. However, if you see someone steal my idea, TELL ME! just kidding…Also, I know this has nothing to do with the Ravens or any of the teams we usually hate on around here, but I just couldn’t pass it up. Thanks for reading.