Sunday, March 29th, 2015

Rex Ryan Mouth-Farts; Sounds like “Ed Reed Will Play”


Rex Derp

Yeah, that’s right – I said “mouth-farts” not “burps.” Once one’s BMI passes the half-century mark, a whole new world of bodily functions opens up.

Rex’s latest triple-chili-corn-dog-burrito-induced expulsion of gas from his face sounded suspiciously to the human ear like he was saying that he expects Ravens’ safety Ed Reed to play in the season opener.

“Somebody asked me about Ed Reed saying, ‘You know Ed Reed hasn’t practiced,’” Ryan said.

“I said, guys, Ed Reed will play this game. Now he might not play the second game, third game or fourth game, whatever, but Ed Reed is going to play this game. I think part of that is a respect thing. He knows how disappointed I would be if he didn’t play. I want to win the game, but I want to play against Ed. I want them at their best and I know they will be.”

So, by Ryan’s logic, Reed will try to play in the season opener against his New York Jets not because he doesn’t want to let his current teammates or coaches down, but because he doesn’t want to disappoint ol’ Rexy poo.

Does this man’s bombast know no limits?

On top of the obvious ridiculousness of Rex’s assertion that Reed cares more about the respect of the head coach of another team than that of his own coaches/teammates, there is another layer of stupidity at play here. Just like a taco dip from Rex’s dreams, the layers just go deeper and deeper here.

Let’s look closer.

“[Reed] might not play the second game, third game or fourth game, whatever, but Ed Reed is going to play this game.”

By saying this, Rex is insinuating one of two things. Either:

A) Reed would gladly put his own motives (ostensibly, not letting down his former defensive coordinator) ahead of those of the team, by playing when he was not yet fully healthy enough to be effective; OR

B) Reed, while healthy enough to play, would indeed play against the Jets, but for purely selfish reasons. He would then likely sit out the next few games, having nobody on the other side to impress/not let down.

Blow it out your ass Rex, along with the next cloud of “Old Faithful”-like toxic fumes scheduled to be expelled.

In actuality, I’m probably reading too far into this. As we’ve seen since he became a head coach (and, to a lesser extent, as those of us in Baltimore have known for years), Rex rarely puts too much thought into what he says. His mental processes are far too focused on his next “Double Down.”

Double Down


One Response to “Rex Ryan Mouth-Farts; Sounds like “Ed Reed Will Play””
  1. Was I the only person who got a chubby last night when I saw Rex topless on hard knocks?

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