Tuesday, September 30th, 2014

Transcript of Roethlisberger/Goodell meeting

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(SPOILER ALERT:) Earlier today NFL Commish Roger Goodell reduced the previous six game punishment to Steelers douchebag quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger. Cameras were not allowed inside the Commish’s office at NFL headquarters on Park Ave., so BMoreBirdsNest set up hidden cameras to record the whole thing.

Here are the excerpts from the conversation earlier this morning.

Roger Goodell: “Good morning gentleman, thank you for taking time to meet with me this morning. “

Rooney and Ben Roethlisberger: “Thank you Mr. Commissioner, the pleasure is ours.”

RG: “Well guys let’s cut to the chase. Ben, your future is in my hands and quite frankly, out of all the other shit I’ve had to deal with, you’ve been the most difficult case yet. Sure, Pacman Jones was a repeat offender full of stupidity but your case is even more embarrassing. I’ve had since March to figure out exactly what I’ve wanted to do with you and I want to give you one last time to run through your involvement that night in Georgia and plead your case to me. “

BR: “Commish… look… I’m a star. I have millions of dollars in the bank and I’m a quarterback in the NFL. Chicks dig that! I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not but… I’m ugly. If I wasn’t a quarterback, chicks would not want to have sex with me. My money is all I’ve got. You’ve seen the stories, everyone already knows I’m an asshole when I go out to bars with my friends and I don’t expect to pay for anything. That is why I’ve got so much money! Everywhere I walk, women are throwing themselves at me just because they want my money.”

You know I’m not the only player that takes advantage of wealth and fame to get women. Look at Brian Urlacher and Matt Leinart (even though he sucks) for instance, he can go out and publicly molest women all he wants. What is his excuse?”

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

RG: “Ben, Brian Urlacher quite simply isn’t a douche… you are! He is cool, chicks want to be with him, he’s been on Entourage, and quite frankly, I’d sleep with him too. Girls don’t have to cry “RAPE” when they hang out and have sex with Brian Urlacher because they’re all begging for it. Hell… I’d even have sex with the guy. “

BR: “But Mr. Goodell, that’s not fair!”

RG: “Life isn’t fair Ben but how can I hold Brian accountable for his actions when he is out banging hot women full of more plastic than a water-slide and you’re out having sex with this and even admit it! See Ben….EMBARRASSING!!!!”

Exhibit C:

“Mr. Goodell, you make some good points but Art and I came here today to ask if you would at least cut my suspension in half. We have a huge home game against the Ravens on Week 4 and I don’t want to miss it. There is no way that Dennis Dixon or Byron Leftwich can run this team the way it do. “
RG: “HaHaHaHa …. you said Dixon! HaHaHaHa !!! If douche bag NFL players like you were cautious of who you put your DIXON-get it-DIXON…. then you wouldn’t be in this predicament. “

BR: “Mr. Goodell, I’m glad you find this funny but there is no way I can add to our franchise’s six world championships unless I’m out on the field earlier against the Ravens; they are going to whoop our ass!”

RG: “You and your damn fans always are talking about six this… six that…. SHUT IT! After months of pondering what I am going to do with your sorry drunk girl molesting ass, I’ve decided to not add to your SIXTH game you’re suspended and only give you four. You are lucky I felt good enough to reduce your suspension but I just felt so bad seeing all these pictures of you on the internet looking like a tool and hanging out with ugly chicks”

Exhibit D:

BR: “Mr. Commissioner, I appreciate your decision to reduce my suspension. Even though I don’t agree with your motives, I am happy that I can at least play after Week 4.”
“As a sign of my appreciation, would you like to join me in the bathroom for a minute?”

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