Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014

Lookalikes! Dolphins Edition

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I discovered something while researching this Miami Dolphins version of our regular Lookalikes! series. In addition to leading the NFL in road winning percentage, the ‘phins lead the league in two other very important categories:

1. Players with dreadlocks;
2. Players with a face only a mother could love.

Seriously, these are some ugly mofos. Let’s get down to it.

Kicker Dan Carpenter has been the Dolphins’ main source of offense lately, kicking 13 field goals in the last three games alone. I’m also pretty sure he plays “Terry” on the hit HBO show “True Blood.”

Next up, we have cornerback Vontae Davis. I don’t know about you, but when I see this face, I can’t help but think “cartoon fish.” I’m not exactly sure which cartoon fish, so let’s just go with “Dory” from Finding Nemo.

Remember how I said they lead the league in dudes with dreads? Well, here is one of those be-dreaded Dolphins, safety Chris Clemons. Something tells me he’s pretty sad about Prop 19 (legalized marijuana) not passing in California.

(and yes, I know I’ve used Marley in a Lookalike! …but seriously, dude looks like Bob.)

Linebacker Channing Crowder, from the University of Florida, is pretty damn good at chasing down ballcarriers. His eyes are also pretty damn far apart on his face. Where have I seen eyes that far apart before….

Oh, right! Mena Suvari, star of such movies as “American Pie” and “Loser.”

Speaking of Florida, tackle Patrick Brown is listed as a Central Florida alum. However, he sure reminds of of a much more famous former quarterback from the University of Florida.

Patrick Brown? Fat Tim Tebow in my book.

Next up, we have second year defensive end Ryan Baker. This guy is right in the mold of other such two-sport superstars as Bo Jackson and Deion Sanders. Baker, however, plays professional football and not baseball, but basketball…where he goes by the name Vlade Divac.

As for the rest of the roster…the damn thing reads like a “Who’s who?” of UGLY ass men. Many of them defy “lookalike” status, as they are just too hideous to compare anyone or anything to without being wildly offensive to that second party. Let’s have a look, shall we?

That’s center Joe Berger, whom it was suggested to me “looks like ‘random college roommate who is high all the time.”

Tackle Nate Garner (IR) showing off his intellectual side.

Linebacker Tim Dobbins. He must be a “bottlenose” Dolphin. ZING!

Presented without comment, linebacker (IR) A.J. Edds:

Rookie tight end Mickey Shuler…

I don’t even know, man. And, finally, tackle Pat McQuistan.

Woof…burnt ginger. I can smell that guy from here.

Wow. Hopefully the Ravens will mop the M&T Bank Stadium turf with Miami here on Sunday, but there’s no telling how long it will take to clean all of the ugly out of the visitors’ locker room.

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