Wednesday, August 20th, 2014

Shutdown Sauce Done Gone Murdered Somebody

7

Late breaking news via multiple outlets on Twitter have been swirling around horrific Orioles closer, Alfredo Simon, who is in jail after he shot someone in Luperton, Puerto Plata (where the hell is that!?)

“Shutdown Sauce” as he has been known in Baltimore, has likely injected his career with some shutdown sauce and probably will never be heard from again. He also does nothing to help the professional athlete image Baltimore has been fighting for years.

So now Simon goes from blowing games for the Orioles to blowing guys in jail probably for the rest of his life. It sucks that someone died but as it relates to the Orioles, they’re probably better now that he won’t be coming out of the bullpen ever again.

UPDATE: Apparently this was a dispute on New Years and a 25 year old man was killed and a 17 year old was shot. The police are still searching for Simon but he has talked to the O’s and insists he had nothing to do with this. (TURN YOURSELF IN THEN DUMBASS!)

UPDATE 2: Looks like it was one of those incidents where everyone is shooting their guns up in the air indiscriminately.  You hear about these kinds of things fairly often from countries where people like to celebrate things with guns (instead of using them to settle differences like we do here in ‘Murrica), and who apparently still don’t comprehend the whole “gravity” concept.  Extremely tragic, and 100% avoidable.  It may turn out that it wasn’t Simon’s gun, but that doesn’t make this story any less sad.

Comments

7 Responses to “Shutdown Sauce Done Gone Murdered Somebody”
  1. Matt says:

    Puerto Plata is in the Dominican Republic and has a lot of resorts. The last time a Baltimore team had a accused murderer on its team they won the championship. Could lighting strike twice?

  2. Goob says:

    Ha ha we can only wish! Fat chance though

  3. Bill says:

    Goob doesn’t know where Puerto Plata is, doesn’t have the vaguest idea of the vagaries of Dominican justice, but he’s oh so sure Simon the dumbass should turn himself in. He’s oh so sure poor Simon will be blowing prison fellas for the rest of his days. What a swell guy Goob sounds like, so willing to stand by an Oriole who pitched his heart out last year. Where were you, Goob the boob, when I got married to wife #1 years ago?

  4. realist says:

    I flew into Puerto Plata when I went to the DR a few years back. You could buy Presidentes (beer) for 100 pesos, negotiable. I didn’t get murdered.

  5. Apparently Bill doesn’t understand my reporting style one bit. I also have no idea where Puerto Plata is and I don’t care where it is.

    I miss the times when I could pronounce the baseball players names and when they game from towns that fans can find out the map (ie. Omaha, Kansas City, Phoenix) and not confuse their name with my local landscape guy.

    I also don’t know where I was Bill when you were married to wife #1 but seeing how you can complain about this, I can see why she’s gone now. Someone is a little bit sensitive huh?

  6. Scott says:

    Oh Bill, just bring us our damn pina colada’s already and knock it off with all of the sass.

    If Simon is not guilty, then he should cooperate with authorities. There are only two reasons a person would run and hide in this situation: 1) he’s guilty as hell (most likely), and 2) he fucked with the wrong people who are now going to hunt him down and kill him (also likely, considering like most of South America, the Dominican Republic is a shit hole).

  7. ur mom says:

    Yeah boob goob.. you weren’t at my wedding either!

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