Saturday, December 20th, 2014

Scouting the Celebrity Beach Bowl – Part 1

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Sure, we’re just six days away from Super Bowl XLV, but seeing as how “the team that shall not be named” is participating, we have much bigger priorities around here this week. First off, on Satuday our own Goob Theoharris is taking part in the DirecTV Celebrity Beach Bowl. He’ll need to be in top form as he faces up against former NFL greats and other various celebrities. We’re going to take this opportunity to scout the game, and hopefully give Goob a leg up on his competition.

Now, Goob doesn’t yet know which team he’ll be a part of, or who his teammates will be, so we’ll just have to go through the lineups one by one and discuss how each could benefit/hinder Goob’s performance.

TEAM CAPTAINS

Warren Moon – Moon, a 2006 Pro Bowl inductee, went to 9 Pro Bowls in his NFL career, in addition to winning the Grey Cup (CFL’s version of the Super Bowl) five times. He threw for nearly 50,000 yards and 350 touchdowns during his time with the Houston Oilers, Minnesota Vikings, Seattle Seahawks, and Kansas City Chiefs. One of the teams will be led by Moon. Hopefully Goob’s. Because the other team will have…

Jesse Palmer – Palmer is best known for being “The Bachelor.” He threw three touchdowns and four interceptions as a member of the New York Giants after being drafted in the fourth round from the University of Florida in 2001. If Moon doesn’t want Goob on his team, Palmer will be forced to give our boy a rose. Hopefully if he picks Goob, their relationship will turn out better than the one where he picked Jessica Bowlin. ZING!

COACHES

Eli Manning – One of the coaches will be Giants’ quarterback Eli Manning. I’d expect Eli will be too busy eating Oreo cookies and wondering where his mommy is to do a whole lot of actual coaching. Should Goob find himself on Elisha’s team, drawing his own plays in the dirt seems like the way to go.  And, knowing Goob, he’ll do at least one thing to elicit this response from his coach:

Colt McCoy – The other coach is Browns’ QB Colt McCoy. In this case, Goob will have to avoid the urge to make fun of Colt for throwing two interceptions to Ed Reed and just being generally awful back in Week 16 when the Ravens visited Cleveland. On top of that – it’s Colt McCoy. Given the choice between a relatively unaccomplished rookie who performed decently at times or a former Super Bowl winner – even if it is the aforementioned Elisha – we have to hope that Goob gets placed on Manning’s team.

POTENTIAL OPPONENTS/TEAMMATES

Former NFL Players

Merril Hoge – Hooooo boy. We’ve often remarked here at the Nest just how much we think of the unabashed Steeler-loving/Raven-hating Hoge. Here’s hoping Goob gets lined up on the opposite side of Hoge, and gets in a cheap shot as the former fullback looks the other way. Then he can just say he learned it from watching Hoge’s girlfriend, Hines Ward. Though, if Hoge’s “uniform” from last year’s bowl is any indication, he’s more likely the girl in the relationship.

Daryl Johnston – What is this, the Celebrity Beach Former Fullback Bowl? “Moose” will likely be on the opposite team of Hoge.  Johnston went to two Pro Bowls during his career, while most Steeler fans don’t even remember Hoge playing for them.  Moose is the one we want on our team.

Eddie George – Another player that Goob will be able to taunt for being a Ravens’ whipping boy. “Don’t drop this one like you did that pass in the 2000 AFC Divisional Game, Eddie!” should be a nice little bit of smack talk to get in the former Ohio State Buckeye and Tennessee Titan’s head. Of course, Eddie and the Titans smashed the Ravens’ dreams in 2003, winning a playoff game of their own at M&T Bank Stadium. Still, in general, the Ravens have always owned the Titans when it matters. If all else fails, Goob can ask the alien-looking George when his spaceship is coming back to take him home.

Barry Sanders – I have a Barry Sanders replica jersey that I won in a bar contest back when I was like 14 (being the only sober one playing definitely helped), so I know what I’ll be wearing to watch the game. Sanders’ slick moves will probably be less effective in sand than they were on artificial turf back in his playing days, but I, for one, am still very much looking forward to Barry juking the hell out of Goob and leaving him in the dust/sand. I promise to get it on camera for your viewing and mocking pleasure.

Darren Woodson – Woodson was on the Cowboys team that handed Pittsburgh their only (to date) Super Bowl loss, back in Super Bowl XXX, so the first thing Goob needs to do is thank him for that. In addition, they can make fun of the Buffalo Bills together, both having a bit of a history with that franchise. Woodson was also on the Super Bowl XXVII and XXVIII teams that both defeated Buffalo, while Goob has his own interesting relationship with the fine people of Buffalo. Otherwise, Goob will be wise to avoid Woodson, one of the hardest hitting players to suit up back in the 90s.

Tomorrow: Part 2 – Celebrities (i.e. Marisa Miller, Brie Larson, Hunter Parrish, Jerry Ferrara, more)

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