True Crime – Ravens Sideline Assault
Late in the second quarter of Sunday’s 37-7 win over the Rams, Joe Flacco scrambled out of the pocket and ran out of bounds. It was at this point that the CBS cameras picked up a heinous instance of Raven-on-Raven crime. A blow-by-blow photographic analysis is presented below:
Here we see Joe as he reaches the Ravens sideline. The clock has ticked under two minutes during the play, and so the two-minute warning is now in effect. Joe is likely ready to go talk the rest of the two-minute drill over with offensive coordinator Cam Cameron. Ray Lewis is visible on the left of the screen. Suspected perpetrator of the crime, Jarret Johnson, is off screen to Lewis’ right.
Host of Ravens Game Plan on Comcast Sports Net Larry Rosen is pictured in the Ravens polo shirt, eyeing the dreamy Flacco. Lewis appears to be giving Joe some verbal encouragement. However, coming into our field of vision are the assault weapons, a water bottle and some stray ice cubes.
As Lewis continues to chastise Joe for not being in church on Sunday or something similar, we see that Rosen has noticed the weapons. However, it is much too late for him to warn Joe in time. Things are about to get very violent on the Baltimore sideline.
BOOM! The ice and bottle crash into an unsuspecting Flacco. Lewis is immediately speechless for once. Now, and only now, can we see our main suspect, Johnson. Having already hurled his icy projectiles, his nonchalant demeanor belies his guilty conscience. Does he regret what he’s done to his quarterback? Does he wish he could take it all back? Let’s have a look…
With a knowing smirk, Johnson gives the aura of the schoolyard bully who just gave Flacco a wedgie. Lewis and Rosen are seen having a good laugh at Joe’s expense, and it is only now that we realize they are nothing but sidekicks of the bully, far from innocent bystanders. Lewis was obviously just distracting Joe with his incessant jibber-jabber, allowing Johnson the time he needed to prepare his assault. One could surmise that Rosen is, in actuality, the mastermind of the crime.
We can’t see Flacco’s face, but we can only imagine the anger that Johnson has awoken. Joe is surely planning his swift and immediate reven…
Joe: OWWWWWWWW, JARRET, THAT REALLY HURRRRRRRRRT!
Oh for crying out loud, Joe, suck it up. It’s only ice.